The Act of Letting Go

It has been a hard couple of weeks for me. The above is a testament to my sleepless night and my shear frustration over all the physical changes. If I lay on my back the baby kicks as though she is suffocating, on my left side she appears to be getting squashed and becomes a little machine gun of bursts and on my right side my face with the Bell’s Palsy feels like I have knife blades in it. Awesome. So, basically I just sit upright and do my best to sleep whatever fraction of a minute that I can.

It seems like everything is on track, but I do feel pretty kicked emotionally. I would say that I am suddenly coming to terms with it. There is literally nothing I can do about it, although there is still tremendous sadness behind my saggy face and blind eye. I miss the way that I look and I hate that every picture of my late pregnancy will require avoiding parts of who I am for sake of memory. I simply hate the way I look.

In meeting with our Doula for the first time, her response to me was that with children you basically have to learn to let go and allow their needs to overrule mine. I would say that this is certainly the first step towards me losing control.

Kurt and I tested out a Bell’s Palsy Fashion show today to see if we could rid my face of it for a moment. I think that we did okay! We are kicking the ass of this condition, right?

 

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